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I don’t have a hobby. I bought everything I need to start the hobby I want, yet I still haven’t started.
Self-care is recommended for caregivers (I’m a third-in-line caregiver to my dad). Self-care is recommended for professionals (I’m a remote worker). Yet for some reason, I resist relaxation.
Do you often relax while you’re on the job? With advanced aging and/or disability, caregiving becomes a 24/7 position where you’re always on-call.
Even if you know what you love, as a caregiver you can’t just think about yourself.
Why is it so hard for a caregiver to relax? Because caregiving is just ONE of a whole person’s responsibilities.
Today’s society seems to think, when you’re a caregiver that’s all you do. But that’s just not true. Over 1 in 5 Michiganders are caregivers. [1] We wear many hats.
What’s one difference between parenting and caregiving? I suppose it’s the same for parenting, your children often come first. With raising children, you face challenge, joy, and growth. With caregiving for the elderly, you face challenges, grief, and loss.
You can’t relax because you’re stuck in a caregiver ant mill that many cases across the United States have proven insurmountable. As a middle class Michigander with dementia care responsibilities, you're statistically set up for significant financial burden.
You’re the breadwinner of the family now, for you and your dad and your wife and mom.
I work 40-50 hours per week for my job, then another 10-20 on my caregiving. Other than that, weekdays are mostly sleep. Not enough sleep at that!
I can’t relax because I’m fatigued. Any time for the “fun idea of relaxing self-care” turns into “head-to-pillow lights out”.
Recent University of Buffalo research suggests “without adequate rest, caregivers struggle to aid family members with dementia”. I told my therapist just last week, “I’m most irritable in the mornings and evenings.”
The study looked at 43 caregivers to family members living with dementia, and found:
It sounds a little backwards, but one science-driven way to relax more, is by getting better sleep in the first place.
It’s hard to start relaxing as a family caregiver, it’s even harder to maintain the habit of relaxing day after day.
But relaxation (and mental health in general), in my experience, is not far from physical exercise or any hobby. The more you relax the better you become at relaxation.
If you’re not exactly sure how to do self-care, try one of these specific types: physical self-care #ad, social self-care, spiritual self-care, or professional self-care.
The spirit of self-care is to put yourself first.
You put yourself first, for a small moment, or a small act. Just enough to reclaim your self-worth and self-agency despite the dementia diagnosis in your family.
You might feel like you always need to be providing top-quality care to your loved one. That’s true, the care-receiver’s safety, wellbeing, and quality of life are important. You are important too.
Take steps to eliminate worry about something happening while you are not there. For example, you could make a schedule with your family so that everyone gets at least 2-hours of “Me Time” every week.
To set yourself up to have high spirits and more energy to "You Do You", get a good night's sleep. Prioritize it! To start your new habit of relaxation, pick something that’s easy and nice that you like. And challenge yourself to forget your caregiver woes for just a moment.
A melty cold Klondike bar sounds like 5-minutes of relaxation to me!
