A Comment on Caregiver Mornings

Good morning?

Pro: the person you care for is still alive and in health.
Con: you still have to care for the person you care for.

Mornings, the start of everyone's day. Mornings, the start of your day and the day of the person you care for. Waking, Bathing, Dressing, Eating, Medicating.

For someone whose never really been a morning person, living in a Full House of Parkinson's and Dementia Care is reason for an extra shot of coffee in the AM.

For the grumpy caregiver who takes a while to warm up to the world, this is what it feels like. These are the challenges of a caregiving morning routine.

1. Wake up to an alarm. Maybe that's your smart phone with a smooth-rising tune. Maybe that's the sound of the person you care for yelling for "Help, help, help..."
2. Lots of married care partners sleep in separate beds because of nighttime and morning incompatibility. The person in my home with Parkinson's is my dad, and sleeping rooms apart, still my first waking moment of 33% of days is a 6:00-7:00 AM caregiver wakeup call.
3. Before sunrise you're first move is a glass of water from the chilled squirter on the fridge. You might find Cheerios and casserole spread on the kitchen countertop. Someone got hungry last night!
4. Plumbing Check! Kitchen sink status: running faucet water or not? Bathroom sink status: running sink water or not? Kitchen table status: cereal, casserole, Coke Zero, and spoons? Bathroom bowl status: wishing for a good morning!
5. ¡Ocupado! Your bladder is full of a sleep cycle's body cleanse, but the door's shut with lights on full, vent on blast, heated up crispy. Dad's in the bathroom making breathing noises like a Raptor in that one Jurassic Park Original scene, children trapped with Raptors in a dimly lit science lab. For one-bathroom families, the sink is the honest only other option. For two-plus-bathroom families, please do count your blessings!‍
6. My mom takes care of showering responsibilities each morning. How well that goes over depends on the rollercoaster of dementia on this very morning. This is probably the most challenging part. You don't have control over how cooperative Dad's going to be this morning. Dad doesn't either. The dementia has control over the shower this morning. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes I hear my dad saying mean things through the laundry shoot when I'm making coffee. When they fight it makes me sad.‍
7. Bed pads check! My mom takes care of wet-proofing the beds every evening, and collecting the pads every morning. During our weekly meeting, my dad's most important todo list task is to stay dry at night.

Another day of caregiving...

It's another day of - you guessed it - caregiving. More of the same?

What you do in your first waking moments sets the day in momentum.

Mornings are when I’m most susceptible to negative thoughts. I’m not a morning person.

You wake up with another day of thankless care for another who won’t thank you and can’t return the favor. (Because the parent I care for has always has been a narcissist? Or because of the Parkinson's and dementia?)

Widely alone and unpaid, caregivers of a family member with a progressive disease lose their schedules to care, lose their savings to care, and ultimately lose their sense of self - to the care situation you’re inseparable from.

How could you have allowed your circumstances to fall so broken? All too many caregivers blame themselves.

The next time you have a miserable morning with the gloom and doom of caregiver duties looming, respect the first moment of your day.

Society chuckles when a person needs coffee before human contact in the morning. When someone becomes habitually perturbed near bedtime, we snicker it's the witching hour isn’t it?

Take a closer look, and you’ll see a cycle of pain this person is stuck in.

If it’s you who can’t function when transitioning to or from sleep, maybe it’s time to make a change.

I wish to tell you to find your meditation.

Mine this morning goes like this:

I’m not a morning person.
No! I’m feeling crappy in the morning.

I resent my mother for arguing with my father in the mornings.
No! I want my mother and father to love each other and be happy.

I detest my father for not protecting his family from his disease.
No! I am staying here because I love my family.

And I let it go now, because it’s OK to have these feelings. I’m angry, because anger the best tool I have at the moment. Knowing that, makes me feel more at peace already.