The Slow, Progressive Caregiver Grieving Process

Most people only learn you can grieve for someone who’s alive after you’ve had the experienced an aging family member’s decline.

Yikes I don’t want to get to heavy here…

What is caregiver grief? What does it feel like?

Everyone who's ever lost something they loved has experienced grief. Like the fact that all people die, its a universal part of the human experience.

But our society tends to look at grief as a post death experience. I'm here to tell you I'm grieving my father today.

This quote from Vicki Harrison captures my tumultuous experience grieving dementia:

Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.

- Vicki Harrison

Why is processing grief so important?

By giving it a go to let go of loss, you’ll finally free up some mindspace for nice things in life.

I wish my dad didn’t get Parkinson’s. I wish my dad loved and adored me more. I feel great shame for the decade past where I did the same things for which I blame my father.

Holding on to grief’s negative energy holds you in the past. It holds you back from healing. It keeps the wounds open, so they can’t heal.

That’s why caregiver grief is so complicated, it’s the grief is ongoing, so you need to heal faster than you’re hurt. My family is living with my dad’s Parkinson’s and Dementia, so the grief is ongoing.

What does caregiver grief look like?

GrieveWell of Ann Arbor, Michigan highlights seven factors that complicate grief. As a caregiver whose father may be alive for a decade or two, whose father now requires 24/7 care to manage his mobility, motor, and cognitive symptoms - each of the seven points resonates with me.

Now, I’m remixing the seven factors for families whose aging family members are living with aging-related complications.

1. The aging persons quality of life, health, wellness, and lifestyle challenges
2. The relationship with the aging person
3. The responsibilities of aging-related healthcare
4. The family dynamic and general challenges communicating with each other
5. The ability to maintain a greater caregiver support network
6. Society expects spouses and adult children (especially females) to shoulder the burden of family caregiving
7. Lack of affordable non-family respite care in rural Michigan

The grief I carry as my dad’s Parkinson’s progresses? It’s demented and ambiguous. Slipping away with my dad.