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Ask a caregiver to be too hard on themselves, and a caregiver will ask “Huh?”.
I’m a caregiver to my old dad, and I want a pity party for me.
“Nobody wants to help me!”
Then I think about the next step “What if someone helped me?”
And I draw a blank.
The burden, burnout, and depression that comes from the pressures of family caregiving are well documented.
Caregivers want help.
Emotionally challenged ones like me cry for help in public and private ways.
Yet caregivers like me don’t know how to tell you how to help me.
How can this be?
Maybe I could use a little help learning how to ask for help.
Who should I ask for help?
How should I ask for help?
Let’s take action together.
I’m listing people in my life who are family, friends, neighbors, relatives, or whatever you like to call them. You’re making a list of people you could feasibly ask for a favor from. Leave the caregiving conundrum to later.
I’d be willing to ask my family members to do “the dirty work” of showering, toileting and such. And I definitely won’t be asking my next-door-neighbor for help in this department.
People who live close by are able to come by for a visit, drop things off, or get things done in your area. People who live far away, you’ll have to rely on “connected means” like talking on the phone or Alexa, buying products and services online for delivery, or planning in-person help just once a year.
I miss that feeling of my childhood neighborhood. We had backyard parties with the kids down the street. Nowadays, I’m wondering what kind of fix it jobs can’t be divvied up between neighbors.
Even if you have fallen out of touch with the relatives of your aging family member. Even if you are not in a rush to talk to your in-laws. You’re in laws *might* have a spot of compassion the circumstances at hand. I could feasible ask my dad’s able-body-and-mind brothers to order a recurring service to ensure my dad’s comfort and enjoyment. My dad’s brothers like showing they care by buying interesting things the other brothers haven’t bought before. They also happen to be Baby Boomer aged. Just saying.
If you look, you’d be surprised just how many meal delivery services or community lunch programs are in your area. You’d be surprised to find there is a fix it guy who happens to do “Instrumental ADLs”. Even if you’re not religious, church communities commonly offer worthwhile senior services you can benefit from.
A good place to start is a list of ADLs.
StartPearl’s 2023 list of ADLs will give you an overall checklist of common Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) that caregivers help aging people do.
Basic ADLs come in the following categories:
Instrumental ADLs are ADLs are things that require healthy cognition to do:
You could literally make a checklist of things you do now, that you *could* ask someone else to do.
The chores and errands you’re already doing? They are Basic ADLs and Intrsumental ADLs that you can delegate to have someone else do.
Get out a piece of paper and write the list of People on the left.
And write the list of Things you are willing to ask for help with on the right.
Start with people you are on good terms with, who you’d feasibly ask for a favor.
Start with simple tasks that you’re willing to ask for.
Draw a line from the Person to the Thing when you find a match.
Or draw a line from the Thing to the person when you find a match.
The point is, when you list out people in your network, and you list out things you’d be willing to get some outside help with, then you can match them up into a request you’re comfortable with.
Whatever you choose gotta work when only one person is willing to setup a transaction of services.
If you don’t want to be a pauper, you can pay your family and friends to do stuff for you.
I recently learned an effective tip for getting the people in your family to change by psychologist Jordan Peterson, which outlined one simple step to encourage positive behaviors which ultimately help out a situation like caregiving for old dad.
Here’s the rule:
When people do something you like, you tell them that you liked it. You can even tell them why you liked it, and the specific things you liked about it.
Peterson’s advice calls for focused listening, because you know the person is eventually going to say something you like very much and want to encourage.
In the case of a family caregiver desperate for but unknowing how to get help from people, you can think back to nice things people have done for you.
Or - Now that you know the trick, you can wait until someone does something nice for you and catch to opportunity to tell them.
You might feel shame and guilt. You might take pride in your independence and ability to manage your own affairs.
One way to break through a barrier like this is to remove it.
You put a dollar price on the thing you want help with.
Before Uber, people weren’t putting a dollar price on giving people rides.
Now caregivers can put a price on whatever it is they want done and tell people they know about it.
The idea I’m talking about is like a “Wish List” common for weddings and baby showers. You make a wish list of things people can buy for you on Amazon or whatever.
The idea I’m talking about is a wish list for things that will make managing the care of your aging family member easier.
Anything that improves the caregiver’s and/or the aging family member’s quality of life goes on the wish list.
With a wish list, you don’t have to pop the “Hey Buddy” question to any single person in particular. That’s because a wishlist is available to any person you give it to.
You don’t have to feel as much pressure giving a person a wish list, since “Yeah, i’ve given this to several of my family and friends, so take a look if you’re interested and, Yeah, no pressure”.
Make a list of jobs to be done, and put it on your wishlist.
The type of "help" needed depends on your person. So you got to list out your people and things you need help with. Asking for assistance with activities of daily living (ADLs) in a way that is comfortable is crucial, and really hard for a caregiver who doesn’t know how to express themselves. If you’re struggling now, and you’ve got years to go, then your load of responsibilities will only grow.
